I’ve been here before

It’s very early in the morning, and there’s no one here as I wander around this part of the house. Haven’t been able to sleep lately. Maybe it’s jet lag, maybe it’s you. It’s probably both.

I often think about the time in my life when I used to say I’d save my first sunrise for you, how I always wanted to see one with you. Much time has passed, and I’ve seen a few sunrises since then. But I’ve always watched them alone. And they’ve always made me sad. Lonely.

I’m starting to realize that perhaps I haven’t been alone after all. Maybe you’ve always been there. Because every sunrise inevitably gets me thinking of you. Of us. And every sunrise, I begin writing you the same letter in my head, asking you to please come and sit with me a while. If I close my eyes and dream hard enough, I can run my fingers across my skin and imagine your hands on me. And sometimes, when the air is still, I can swear it has the faint scent of Burgundy.

And so, as it starts getting light outside, I start my letter again. Please come, my love. Sit with me. Put your arm around me, pull me closer, and tell me—without shame or fear of implication—that you love me. That you’ll wait for me. And tell me that, if you could, you’d come home to me someday.

Moonlight in your eyes puts a spell on me, and you don’t even try

I drank a beer before dinner tonight. The taste reminds me of our nights together. Soon enough, I imagine that you are the one sitting next to me, and I let the dream linger a little longer.

I know it’s not the honest effort you want from me, but it will have to do for now. The pull of your memory is too strong still for me to begin giving myself to someone else. Even if that someone else is my rightful owner.

So for now, I survive by playing a farce. And hope that one of these days, the pretense will give way to genuine feeling, and that eventually, some part of me will once again learn to love this man enough to make it work.

Until then, I’ll hide behind every single thing that reminds me of you – and there are too many to count – and I’ll keep imagining that you are the one with me. And the dream will linger until my heart can’t tell the difference anymore.